Dear Momma

Momma

I understand you were only a senior in high school
and you were still pro choice and allowed me…
sovereignty to develop in your womb and expand your 4’11” body.
It could have been worse- that is what I tell myself
She never traded me for cheap ready rock
She never pimped me to her habitual traffic of men
She never locked me in closets or beat me with wire hangers

What did she do?
She inflected 16 years of exploited self hatred
Never heard “I love you daughter”
Never received a hug or kiss for just being me
Never felt I had purpose or reason to be on this earth
Never spoke about life or what to expect from men
Never was I elevated to love myself or anyone else

Neglect left me buried alive
My soul smothered with hate
I had to learn how to breathe on my own
16 years young a tourist in my own life
Trying to fill empty voids with false love
My body became my tool to trick my mind I was wanted
No longer discarded I found worth with my pussy
“The power of p-u-s-s-y that’s why every mutha fucka in the world dress fly…”
Co-dependant, sadistic, self loathing, and degrading affairs is all I knew how to erect
over and over and over
the cycle was passed on like a useless baton
from grand mother, to mother, to daughter

My bricks are brittle stones held together with empty hope
overflowing with rejection and desolation
my foundation is weak and cracked
slowly sinking into a dark place in my heart
I wait for angels to save me
to love me
to want me
to find my inner Yahweh
to bring me into existence in what exists.
No more will I cry;
Why don’t you love me?
What did I do to make you reject me?
Through my tears I now see clearly
I had to learn to finally love me for me