Love

The need for human touch compassion and love Innate in our psyche before conception the human soul seeks it out like a needle in a vein To avoid sorrow and death instinct is erased masked with false fantasies Like blind bats flying in darkness nothing is heard except silent echoes... my heart beating against a steel drum pounding louder and louder until darkness swallows the light and my heart beats no more

River that flows forever

As long as some suffer, the river flows forever
As long as there is pain, the river flows forever
As strong as a smile could be, the river will flow forever
As long as your with me in my heart, we'll ride the river together

So I Say Goodbye

I'm going into this not knowing what I'll find
But I decided to follow my heart and abandon my mind
And if there be pain I know that I gave my all
And it's better to have loved and loss than not to love at all
In the morning I may wake to smile or maybe cry
But first to those of my past I must say goodbye

When I was a man

When I Was a Man

Indigenous roots grow thickly in the fog

Wooded jungles, mountains, and valleys

Natural beauty isolated with peace

Angels play their instruments with fresh air

Love washes over soft hearts of man

You don't see me

Southern genome saturated in rich bohemian flair

Imagine my exotic blond flower

See beyond my soul through my blue eyes

Play your guitars and beat your drums

Perceive my beauty no longer with prejudice

A familiar lover or two or several

Reminisced by a letter

Dual genders fighting for my soul

Wanting love to fill empty voids

Blue eye gringa catches his sight

His skin like the contaminated muddy rivers

Inundation of waves over mountain tureens

Cause a tumultuous desire for love and death

You don't see me

Beauty becomes endemic like a clouded forest

Riding a road that can vanish into nothingness

Fear courses the mind and invades my veins

Spiritual natives burn incense to guide my paths

Recreation of oneself transport the soul into many lives

Lauryn Hill

Lauryn Hill @ Fillmore 04/23/11

Lauryn Hill

Lauryn Hill

Let me count the ways...

The ways this concert has disappointed me on so many levels of  entertainment. I love hip-hop, especially 1990's hip-hop. With that said; I loved the Fugees. The Fugees was like the real hip-hop version of the Black Eye Peas. Fergie wish she had half the talent of Ms. Lauryn Hill. Her album The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill is on my top 5 list of all time favorites. This album exhibited her self awareness of life, love, and heartache. I love every track on that album especially ex-factor because that helped me get through a very bitter break up with my daughter's father back in the day. Her voice shares her soul and her soul has such a unique and beautiful energy it touches the hearts of the world. I understand her story of how the industry changed her, made her angry, resentful, and lost. Every person on this earth has to find their own path to self-love and internal happiness, and unfortunately for Lauryn Hill her path was publicized for everyone to critique. I could not imagine if the whole world had access to see in my window and watch me struggle through life trying to find myself. She came out with MTV unplugged 2002 where she played acoustic guitar and sang very heart filled poetic songs about God, societies judgement, inner strength, and awareness. This music was more about expressing her soul and how she feels about her life than selling radio hit records, so the critics and fans alike did not respond with much praise or love for her acoustic harmony. I wonder if this is why the public had not heard from her in so long? I am sure having 5 children from 1997 - 2008 had a big part of her disappearance also. Despite what people thought of her MTV unplugged showcase, her true fans like myself still loved her and have been on pins and needles waiting for her comeback.

Living in Denver, Colorado and being a fan of hip-hop/r&b artist is often a challenge. Not many local promoters even bring out a lot of artist or artist just skip over Colorado because their fan base would be very limited. So when I was driving down East Colfax a few weeks ago and seen Ms.Lauryn Hill in bold letters on the billboard at the Fillmore Auditorium I almost crashed into the car in front of me. I was in that much shock that Lauryn Hill was touring and she will be in Denver out of all cities! I admit I was both excited and skeptical at the same time. The last thing I heard was MTV unplugged and I wasn't sure if that was the direction she was going with this concert tour or if she would sing her songs from Miseducation and Fugees. As the concert date neared I was becoming less excited and more skeptical. My friends kept saying she was getting bad reviews and my regular concert goers was not interested to see her. I pretty much talk myself out of going, and was going to wait to hear from somebody else about how awesome the show was or how horrible it was. The final hour my friend Ty talked me into going because his fiance also my friend Shannon needed a girls night out. I don't get to hang out with Shannon that often, so it wasn't hard to convince me to go because she is fun to hang out with, but I still felt unsure about how the concert was going to be. I just seen Method Man and Redman a couple of weeks earlier and that show was off the chain! I screamed like a 16 year old girl the entire time. It was awesome, so to come from that kind of concert to a concert I wasn't sure about had my expectations stuck in limbo.

$50 bucks later, I bought my ticket the day before the show 30 minutes before the box office closed. I am usually excited after I buy a concert ticket, but this time I felt the same way I feel after buying groceries. I put the ticket in my wallet and kept it moving.

Saturday night comes and Shannon and I carpool downtown to her apartment to meet up with her friend Ali and then the 3 of us would all go to the show together. Girls Night!!

Lauryn Hill finally arrives to the Fillmore and while the stage was getting set up, I started to get more excited to see her. Two Fat Tire beers later, finally she is about to come out on stage. Of course I have to pee like a cow or horse or any big mammal and the bathroom with no lines was blocked off because "the artist" was about to come on stage. I stood there and waited for what seemed like an eternity but was only a couple of minutes.She came out and I was let in; did my business and found the girls night crew and was ready for madness to begin.

Madness is what began. Utter madness. Live band, awesome band, live Lauryn Hill, awesome Lauryn Hill, until the music arrangements became everything opposite of what was recorded on her albums. The concert took a turn for disappointing half way through her set when I realized she is not going to play one song that is even a little bit close to the original track. Not one song. I could not recognize a lot of the songs because I had to pick up on the lyrics to figure out which song she was singing. It was like listening to Bob Marley singing on top of the classical arrangement of Bach. Polar opposite. Her band played jam band music and she sang Zion and Ex-Factor with it. It was unrecognizable and my excitement quickly dissipated and was replaced with anger. My anger turned into annoyance and more anger. I paid $50 to listen to the lyrics of my favorite artist played with music I never heard before. The music was not better than the original and as far as I was concerned it made the songs worse. If she came out with Miseducation with the music that played during this concert there would be no way in HELL she would of received all the Grammy's and Billboard awards she has now. The entire concert experience was like falling in love with someone and when you finally have sex with this person you love it turns out he is the worse lover you ever been with with no promise of getting better. What do you do?

I still love her music, I just won't go to another concert again to see her live.

Mean Girl

Alexia had no respect for me. Since the 3rd grade when she moved into my neighborhood 3 houses down from mine; she has turned my once peaceful world upside down. I was never the most popular kid in our class before Alexia moved in, but I was still liked and respected by the students and my teachers. I never talked back, I always turned in my homework, and I even help tutor other kids after school like I was a teacher-aid. I have never been told I was pretty, smart, or special in all my life, so I just went through life day to day usually ignored by the boys and barely acknowledged by the girls in my class. I was shy and never had enough nerve to go up to any group of girls to ask if I could play with them. Mostly during lunch period I would sit at the table in the back corner of the lunch room and eat by myself. I didn’t seem to have anything in common with the other girls anyways. They always were giggling and pointing at which boy Susan or Tammy liked that day. Or they would just compare each others outfits and bicker about whose ensemble was prettier than the others. My parents were earthy people and never paid much attention to the latest fashion or anything materialistic at all. We were probably the only family on our block that didn’t have any televisions in the house. My parents gave me books and we would play board games together as a family to pass the time. Both my parents are archeologist and so at least 3 times a year I am pulled out of school to accompany my parents on an excavation somewhere exotic. By the time I was in 8th grade I have been to over 20 countries. Egypt was my most favorite trip of them all, because seeing a pyramid in a book or a movie from school never captures the true beauty and magic the man made structures really have. Because of the way I have been raised I have always been the odd person out at school socials. Alexia only made me stand out more by the way she would instinctually seek me out to make my days at school hell. Alexia was 100% gorgeous even in 3rd grade when she walked into our classroom for the first time she beamed a bright light. Her golden hair hung wavy down to the middle of her back. She would always fling it across her shoulder wafting her strawberry shampoo smell right into the boys face and they all would be in awe of her magnificence. Her clothes always looked brand new and I could never tell if she ever got dirty. Even at recess playing 4 square or Tetherball she always came back to class spotless and not a hair out of place. All the girls wanted to be her best friend and all the boys wanted to be her boyfriend. I would just stare at here like the way my mom stared at a new artifact found under a rock. At first I thought she was amazing and full of grace. I guess when she looked at me she felt the complete opposite. I would sometimes catch her staring at me in class with her nose crinkled up with distain and malice all over her face. She would look at me like I had been bathing with pigs and lived in an underground cave. I never understood why she never liked me. She hardly spoke to me until one day in 6th grade. We got locker assignments and for some reason the Gods were angry with me and made the both us locker partners. As soon as she found out her partner was me; the game was on for her. She made sure every day of school was made difficult for me to deal with. She would be standing by our locker with her group of friends, and when she would see me coming, she would say very loudly, “Here comes the Lord of the Flies!, she is so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!” They would all cackle like a group of witches around a cauldron. I would never make eye contact, and just try to hurry and get what I needed out of that locker as fast as I could because the insults never stopped, they just got louder and worse than the last one. People would stop what they were doing just to watch, listen, and laugh at me being humiliated day after day.


By the time we were both in high school she would still make sly comments as she passed me in the hall, but she didn’t make a show about it like she did during middle school. I was a depressed teenager, I was isolated and alone most days. Senior year I was walking home from school one day and after that day my life has never been the same. The normally busy street was unusually empty while I was walking along the sidewalk, and then I heard the rumble of an engine coming from behind me. I didn’t bother to look to see who it was because nobody looks to see who I am. My head was down looking at the sidewalk cracks as I walked along and suddenly I hear someone scream, “Bomb is dropping!!” And next thing I knew I was hit from the top of my head with a large cup of chocolate milkshake. The cup and straw fell to the ground and my entire head and upper body was drenched with the wet cold shake. In shock I look up to see who did this to me and there she was hanging out of her boyfriend’s sun roof yelling “Loooser!!!!” as he drove away. I heard them all laughing. I began to cry. My eyes immediately swelled and hot streams of tears were flowing from me like the shake was flowing off my head. I wanted to just kill myself after that. Year after year Alexia has gone out of her way to make me feel like I was not good enough to be on this earth. As far as she was concerned I was dead to her already. I had nothing to clean up with, so I just kept walking home with chocolate milkshake all over me. With every step it would just drip off my head and fingers leaving a trail like I was a slug. At the time I felt like a slug or something worse. I finally turned on my block and I found myself standing in front of Alexia’s house. Her boyfriend’s car was parked in her driveway and I could here them laughing and carrying on in the house. I was so angry! I wanted revenge. 10 years she has tortured me and I never retaliated once. Today was the day to fight back!

Breathing hard and blinded by my tears I walked to my house. Neither of my parents were home, they were actually out of the country and wouldn’t be back for another 5 days. I walked upstairs, took off my clothes, and took a quick shower. Still blinded by my anger, I put on some black sweat pants and shirt and ran downstairs to our garage. I found what I was looking for. I grabbed the can of gasoline and a book of matches. I was in a trance, my mind was blank, and my eyes could only see red. I casually walked to Alexia’s house and began to pour the gasoline around the parameter of her house. I sprayed all of the door knobs and windows with a sealant I found in the garage. It was the middle of the afternoon and nobody saw what I was doing. Alexia and her friends didn’t hear what I was doing either. After saturating the house really good I took the match book out of my pocket. I stood there, frozen in time, dazed; my mind was still in a trance. It was like I was having an out of body experience. I began to walk back home, but just before I left her lawn I struck the match and threw it in her yard.

I woke up a few hours later in my bed. My room was dark and the house was empty. The sound of the sirens didn’t wake me up, but the silence in my head and my house is what startled me. Now I was back in my body and I remembered what I had done only a few hours earlier. I looked out my window and I could see black smoke still rising where Alexia’s house once stood. I ran outside to see what I did for myself, and the fire truck, police, and ambulance was still parked outside her house. The firemen put the fire out, but the house was burnt so badly only the support beams stood. The entire neighborhood was outside crowded behind the yellow tape. I swallowed hard. I walked up to my neighbor Mrs. Jefferson and asked her what happened like I didn’t already know. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. She said, “Oh my goodness, it’s so horrible. I can’t believe this happened in our neighborhood!” She began to cry harder now and her body shook. I instinctually held her. I tried to comfort her and tell her it was an accident. Just as those words part my lips I seen the EMT people wheel out 4 body bags; slowly loading them up in the back of the ambulance’s. As I held Mrs. Jefferson still crying on my shoulder, I felt numb and emotionless. I actually felt relief like a load has been lifted from my chest. In between sniffles Mrs. Jefferson said she over heard one of the detectives say that looked like a homicide and foul play was a definite factor. She said that she hopes they catch the monster that did such a thing to 4 young beautiful kids. I just patted her on her back and said, “I am sure they will do everything in their power to find out who did this.”

V-Day writing assignment

You're alone at home watching an episode of Law and Order when you hear a light knock at your door. You hesitantly get up from the couch to answer it, but find no one is there. You look around curiously only to find a Valentine's day card sitting on your welcome mat.





'Who is knocking on my door at this time of night?' I said to myself outloud as I wrapped my snuggie over my torso and slowly walk towards the door. I tip toed softly over the carpet and gently looked through the peep hole. I see nothing. I stand there waiting for another knock; I hear nothing except the stupid State Farm commercial on T.V. I peep through my living room curtains and nobody is there. I took a deep breath and slowly opened the front door. I see nothing but the dark night, street lights, and at my feet I saw a sealed envelope. 'What tha?' I said outloud again. I am scared now because I live alone and hardly never get visitors, especially uninvited visitors. I grab the envelope and rush to close the door. I put the chain on and double locked every lock to feel a little more safe. The envelope was lumpy like something other than a letter or card was inside. With nothing but the T.V. making noise in my house I walk back to my couch and sit down. I placed the envelope on my coffee table and just stared at it for only a minute. It was a deep red color with one large pink heart sticker sealing it closed on the back. There is no name or address on it anywhere. I can't tell if maybe this was delivered to the wrong house, maybe my neighbor Kimberly was supposed to get this. She is young, cute, and always goes on dates with random guys. I thought about taking it over to her, but I had no proof it belonged to her. I guess the only way to find out who it is for is to open it. I don't know why I am so scared, but this feels so wrong and strange. I picked up the evelope and with my index finger I opened the pink heart sticker seal and slowley pulled out a card. Just as I pulled it out half way something wet began to seep out of it. I felt something drip on my big toe and when I looked down I noticed it was as crimson as the color of th envelope. I jerked irractly while still holding the card and the rest of it came out on my coffee table. It was indeed a Valentine card because of the gaudy heart designs on the front, but I couldn't get over the shock of the severed finger taped to the fron of the card. I couldn't scream, I just jumped on the arm of my couch and began to hyperventalate. I must of passed out because awhile later I woke up on my living room floor next to my couch. My head hurt real bad too, I must have fell on my side table on my way down. I slowley looked at my table and the card was gone! The blood stain was still on my big toe, but the card and any evidence of it being in my house was gone. I quickly got up from the floor; which was a bad idea because the blood didn't catch up to my brain and I almost passed out again. I caught myself on my chair before I fell and made myself breath slowly. That breath quickly turned into panic because I also noticed my T.V. was no longer on. The house was pitch dark and I didn't know if I was alone anymore. I ran to the kitchen to call the police, but just as I reached the doorway a large man came walking towards me. I stopped in mid stride, my eyes were wide open trying to focuse in the dark, and my instincts took over as I began to run the opposite direction. Fear was coursing through my veins like venom and my heart was skipping beats as I ran away from my kitchen towards my front door. I heard his gradual footsteps coming after me and all I could do was pray. 'Dammit!' I yelled, the door was not easy to get out of because I locked every lock on it! I fumbled with the chain until that unlatched, I began to twist the first lock when I felt a large wet hand on my right shoulder. I jumped and turned around to only see my ex-husband standing there with a wide grin and a very sharp knife. I began to scream for help, but he pushed his hand hard against my face. I could taste his wet salty skin, that dripped with something I could not see. He said, "Happy Valentine's Day sweetie! Did you miss me?" I couldn't answer him because my mouth was muffled and I just kept trying to scream for help. Nobody could hear me. That is when I noticed his ring finger; the one that use to wear our wedding ring was missing and his hand was bleeding perfusly from his wound. 'He cut off his own finger?' I thought to myself. I knew he was crazy, but never to the point of insanity like now. Through his hand I wanted to bite his wound hoping I could maybe get away, but I couldn't because he was too strong and I couldn't move my head at all.


The scene turned black.



The homocide detectives found the card in the kitchen after followng the trail of blood. There were two dead bodies in the house; a woman's body who had her throat slit from ear to ear laying by the front door, and a man's body with multiple stab wounds in his torso that looked self inflicted and a missing ring finger.



Inside the card read:

My love grew deep

like the 6foot steep

hole I dug for your sleep

every waking moment

of the rest of your life

will only be remembered

by the edge of my knife!

Love is forever,

Gary

The Formula

The undefined terms
point the way to
the line that never ends
into a plane of nothingness.
The geometrical spiral
warms the center of my radius
and quivers the diameter through
my circumference and wets the parameter
in a way...
In a way a line has no beginning or end
like the circle of my soul
searching how to use pie to
my advantage.
Studying each dimension
the area measures the interior
of my veins
pulsing through each square unit
of my plane
Increasing the volume of passion
rising with each cubic unit
until I'm overflowing into
obtuse positions
that invite complementary vertical angles
that will keep you strait for hours
Eventually the vertex of our love will come to an endpoint.
180 degrees later the light of our ray will fade
into another dimension.

Wear Seatbelts

Against the grain

Root of ALL Evil?

I am starting to become addicted to Twitter a little bit. Quest Love from the Roots is on there 100 times a day talking about this new hip-hop this or Jimmy Fallon that.. I actually know some people in real life I follow and it is interesting to see what they Tweet about on a daily basis along with other people I would like to know. I don't go to the clubs, I stay home most nights with my kids, and because I am single and extremely picky I stay home most weekends. I guess I can't expect my virtual social network to expand until I one day try to expand my reality social network.

There is a local poet I am following on Twitter, and I have seen her perform on stage a handful of times. I really enjoy her poetry because her style is raw, real, fast, and to the point. She doesn't speak in a lot of metaphors and abstract verbiage that makes you wonder WTF is she talking about? She is clear, concise, and entertaining. I met her a couple of times, but I am not a person most people remember so she doesn't remember meeting me. I have to re-introduce myself as So and So's cousin and not just as myself. SAD.

This poet has a talk show format on a local online website I posted in my gadgets called livewireurbanradio.com and she posted on Twitter she is looking for interested ladies to join her panel to discuss the topic:
"IS PUSSY THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL?"

Is pussy the root of all evil? I thought this would be a very interesting topic. I am striving to become a prominent psychologist one day and I absolutely enjoy observing human behavior in all forms. My opinion is just as important as the next. I can get off my shy horse and just try it. I really need to put myself out there more. I need to meet new people and maybe build new friendships. I can't keep living in my living room. Nobody knows I'm sitting on my couch except me. So much for that social network if that is how I am going about it.

The show is a few days away and I replied on Twitter volunteering my random thoughts. Now the anxiety of the situation is settling in my guts. I committed to show up and talk into a microphone about my ideas about if pussy is evil or not. I need to get my ideas and thoughts in order. I can't just show up and freestyle whatever. I don't know how strong the other personalities will be and I don't want to clam up and not say anything because that will be stupid and I will continue to be ignored. Hence the reason for this BLOG. I need to figure out where do I stand and what do I want to say about this...things that make you go hmmmm.

First I should answer it. Is pussy the root of all evil? My answer is...NO!!!!

WHY? I don't see the logic behind it. A human organ cannot beget what our society deems as immoral or evil actions.

The more I think about it the more I have to dissect human behavior. The main difference between mammals in the animal kingdom and mammals as human species is cognitive thoughts and actions. It is a natural mammal activity for most male species to state their claim and position over the female species until a stronger or younger male comes along and fights for that role. Some species practice monogamy when others practice polygamy, polygyny, polyandry, polygynandry, and promiscuity. Human species does it all.

Humans are a lot more complicated when it comes to thinking about sex, but both humans and animals are very similar with the way they act on sex. Typical animal behavior consist of: sex between species, sex with inanimate objects, homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bi sexuality. There is absolutely no difference between what a animal will do and what a human will do. The only difference is animals don't care and humans live their lives under social and religious constraints; which take away what we would do naturally. Cognitive thoughts keep those belief systems in a constant revolving door because each decade of human species will put a new twist on what is deemed moral, religious, and socially acceptable within small and large groups of people.

  

Magnum anyone?

With that said...pussy cannot be the root of evil because I believe it is the male EGO that is the root of all evil. Nothing is more dangerous to the human race as the male ego. In today's society with current morality and religious laws the human male ego will cause wars, murder, greed, control, lust, and all the other sins listed in old bible script. Lust especially will misconstrued pussy being the evil culprit when it is the men who make it that way because of their egos. 

Men are both simple and complicated. The simplicity is they can be kept 'happy' as long as their ego is constantly stroked like a crying cat in heat. Complicated because they fight against their natural urge to spread their seed to as many pussy's they can due to social and religious rules of only being allowed 1 pussy at a time nowadays (unless your a Mormon or Islamic). Life was probably a lot more simple when multiple spouses were allowed. Because of this new societal rule of 1 pussy at a time their EGO becomes more sensitive when that pussy becomes compromised in any way. Once that EGO is threatened and they can no longer keep claim on that 1 pussy that is when things go array. A man will feel the urge to state claim of that pussy and that is when the EGO can have the capacity to initiate any of seven plus sins without any concern of moral, social, or religious rules that are in place. As long as humans fight against our natural mammal instincts the social rules we put on ourselves will change a simple sex act between two humans into a crime scene because of what we perceive as right versus wrong or good versus evil. The natural act of sex becomes evil once it gets that far.

Raashan Ahmad Freestyle

KRS ONE - THE DOPEST MC IN DA WORLD!!!!

Lawrence Krishna Parker August 20, 1965

Friday July 09, 2010 KRS-ONE rocked the mic @Cervante's  Denver, CO.

The ticket was only $20 and it was a duel hip-hop show with artist playing both stages and in-between DJ's would rip the 1's & 2's.

I was in heaven. I rode to the show with the 2 of my homeboys and another I just met. 3 men at a hip-hop show I feel safe considering I'm only 5'2" and 110 soak and wet. I needed to make sure somebody had my back. At the last Method Man show I was physically molested numerous times. I haven't had sex in so long I kinda didn't mind it, but still that wasn't cool. Since my homies are married and I am single it seemed like as soon as we walked in there we all kept our space to make sure nobody thought any of us were together. So me being me I hop around the venue like a hyper fairy and go from room to room depending on which band on which stage I felt like listening to. I was sitting down drinking my beer and then I noticed a waiter taking pans of fresh pizza to somebody.

I wanted Pizza and I wanted it bad. Who wudda thunk pizza or any food would be served at a establishment like this? Cervante's is a little seedy but perfect for small venue concerts.  I spotted where the pizza came from and was like a moth to a flame. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I was so hungry any pizza would be equivalent to a fresh Maine lobster with clarified butter. I get to the counter and ask if they accept credit cards. The guy said they do but it's a $5 minimum. I step back and look at the menu again and see a slice of pizza is $2.50. I look at him and say, "I only want one piece of pizza, will I meet the $5 mark if I get a soda?" That is when the flirty banter began back and forth; I noticed the guy I was talking too was cute and he was for sure flirting with me. We went back and forth me trying to bargin how I can get one slice without buying anything extra because I really didn't want a soda. At one point I asked him to just overcharge me and give me one slice even though he pointed at my stomach saying I needed 2. I then explained to him I have been drinking a lot of beer and one would be sufficient despite the illusion of my flat abs. Next think I know I called out to Jesus Christ out of frustration trying to barter for a piece of pizza, and then his co-worker finally gave me my one slice of cheese pizza. The guy who I been flirting with just gave it to me for FREE. He did ask for my number as an exchange, but he said it was fine and I can just take it because I was so cute. Right On. Free pizza and no awkward phone call the next day.

Back to the concert. I find my homies and tell them my story, they didn't care I was flirting with a cute guy, they just wanted to know why I didn't bring them a slice too. Uh I don't know, maybe because I wasn't trying to pimp the poor guy out of a pizza. I'm cute but not a pimp. The group that was performing finished and a local DJ got on the turn tables. The crowd thinned out for intermission and that is when we seen my homies friend trying to flag him down to the front row right at the stage. They were still standing where we were at, and then I told them "I'm going down there cause I don't give a Fuck!" as you can tell beer has officially entered my blood stream.

I get to the stage and realized the homies followed me. YAY! we are all here. The DJ was so horrible. This was a hip-hop show headlining KRS-ONE and he was playing old R&B songs from the early 90's. I couldn't feel it. There are so many good DJ's in Colorado I have no idea how this guy got this gig. It was all good, because as soon as he got off the DJ for KRS-ONE got on. He is local too but I can't remember his name because of my mind state. He was a beautiful man, I was in awe he looked like a mixed Tom Cruise with cool glasses and hat. He was spinning the turn tables like Tom Cruise in that movie Cocktail. He was amazing. KRS-ONE the man of the hour comes out on stage and it was surreal because he was literally right in front of me! I watched him on TV all my life and there he was standing so close I gave him dap twice throughout his set. He of course opened with 1986 South Bronx and he did a lot of free styling and he rapped over classical tracks showing his skill spittin rhymes on any bar of music. The B-Boys had their turn to show off their skillz in the middle of the show.

It was so awesome! I love KRS-ONE and feel honored to see him live in concert, another thing I can check off my bucket list.

An Evening with Deepak

Namaste

While sitting inside the Mile High Church, the mood was calm as people stood around talking to fellow church members. There was a quiet murmur across the auditorium. I never been to this church before and it was obvious I was a stranger. Walking into the auditorium people handed out free copies of Deepak Chopra’s book titled Jesus. I sat in my chair holding on to my book and looked around at the strangers until the lights dimmed and everyone took their seats. Deepak walked on stage and everyone immediately gave applause. His red sparkle glasses caught every light and shimmered like a school of fish on a shallow beach. He was getting over a cold so his voice was raspy, but came across clear with his Indian accent echoing through the hall. Never standing in one place, he had no note cards, or a teleprompter. He was casual wearing blue jeans and a sport coat. As he paced back and forth he began to speak about the nature of consciousness as a fundamental reality that differentiates into cognition, biology, social interactions, personal relationships, environment, and the forces of nature. Deepak transitioned easily between each subject giving detailed philosophy on what is our true nature, where we come from, how to transform your self, and how to make the world better. Deepak involved the entire audience in two group meditations. We all closed our eyes as his soothing voice almost hypnotized the group into a calm peace. He spoke about road rage and how people do not have control over their own emotions. He was detailed about the cognitive way the brain functions as well as the biology of our bodies, mind, and spirit. The lecture was sold out and every seat was filled. Although I did not know any one personally; I felt enveloped in warmth and peace around my soul.

Who am I and Where am I going?

.Dating


I am sick of it

I have evolved into a different person

I use to be the bitter girl who kept every pound of baggage on my back

Always I would choose the exact same guy as the last

Trust never became an option and intimacy an afterthought



Time goes by

I compare my experience from the last

I ask myself, What did I learn?

Not enough

I use to be the sexual girl who stayed emotionally detached

And I would cry myself to sleep because I stayed alone

No more will I give up my power

I will own my bounty and only share it when I want to



Time goes by

I compare my experience from the last

I ask myself, What did I learn?

A little more

I use to be the needy girl who gave so much of myself I became lost

I would give, they would take, and I remained empty

Self worth is a trait that was eventually discovered

I made a vow to always will put myself first



Time goes by

I compare my experience from the last

I ask myself, What did I learn?

I become more aware

I am the strong minded girl who can see bull shit a mile away

And tell you how bad it smells and how fast it’s coming

I am consciously aware and can show my vulnerability when needed

I exchanged negative cognition with positive spirituality



Dating

I can deal with it

Understanding the energy I put into the universe

Makes me more aware of whom I will attract

Scum and perverts will always be there, but the ones

Who feel my energy will come at me in on my tune

Synchronizing our vibes of energy will create funnels of

Friendships and possible romance

My mind stays wide open and my heart put out its welcome mat

My soul receives waves of energy all around my being and

I accept with a new openness and understanding of

Who I am and the possibilities of what I can become.

Another Day In My Life

TIME TO CRY

“To check the balance of your checking account, please press 1.” beep- “Your balance is negative three hundred eighty nine dollars.” I press end, and with my mouth open, I began to cry. Looking at my cell phone as if it just told my world is coming to end any minute, I sat feeling numb all over. I feel the hot streams of tears rolling down my cheeks, gravity pulling each drop on my phone and hand. I sit and cry in silence; while sitting on my living room couch. I feel the redundant dysfunctional chain of having no money every month, and I am sick of it. I call my bank customer service line again on speaker phone because I can not believe what it just told me. I am in absolute denial about what the automated teller just spat out, and I need to make sure there was not some kind of wax build up in my ears. Forwarding through each prompt, I get back to the main menu. The female robotic voice said what I thought I heard the first time, but before I hang up this time, I need to know what happened. I can not just accept the fact I am broke, when I know I should not be this broke. “To hear the last ten checks paid, please press 5.” Beep- The clouds parted and my answer to my question was given. The curse of a post dated check I wrote a few months ago wanted to get paid now.

Just this past summer my main port of transportation was a plum color, 1994 Saturn. It was all I could afford three years ago, and with the exception of a few fender bender accidents, it was all I had to drive. Maybe it was the heat, or the neglected oil change that had this car put me on the highway to hell. It started with the first week of its demise. The clutch was sticking on each gear and my engine was sounding very irritable. Lights were flashing red on the dash board that would otherwise be invisible to me, but the sounds the car was making would not let me ignore the fact it was going to die if I did not take it in for repairs. I took it to the dealership where I bought the can cutter. That is what my mom would call old cars that were driving on its last pistol. After they keep my car for a few days, the diagnosis was my module packs needed to be replaced, and it would cost a little over four hundred dollars. I hitch a ride back to the dealership to pick up my fixed cutter.

Going to work, picking up children, running errands, is what I do as my every day activities. I need a reliable car to get me where I need to be every day of the week. Not even ten days later I am on the highway driving at least 80 mph, until rush hour makes me come to almost a complete stop. It is over 100 degrees outside, and 150 degrees in my car when the clutch no longer wanted to go in any gear shift. Stop and go traffic put me in a panic, while I slammed my gear shift in any direction possible, but nothing would stick. I cried, cursed, and cried again, until I had to drift onto the side of the busy highway. People were getting irritated with me for making them wait for my dirty, plum, plastic, toy car to move out of their way.

A police officer in a under cover Dodge Intrepid comes out of nowhere and pulls right in front of my car on the side. They say to protect and serve, but I do not trust any person in uniform carrying a gun. He seemed really nice, until he called my license plate in to the station. I started to get nervous because the last time that happened I was in Aurora Municipal getting booked. If he is here to help me stranded on the side of the highway, why would he need to check if I am a felon too? He sat and waited with me until the tow truck guy could find me, and get through all the traffic to save me. Taking my car back to the dealership, the surprisingly nice police officer gave me a ride and dropped me off at the nearest TGIF restaurant. He offered to take me all the way home, but I was still worried the station was going to come over his radio and say to bring me in for a old traffic ticket. I wanted out of his car so fast, I almost opened the door while he was driving and tucked and rolled to safety.

One thousand dollars it cost to replace my clutch. I should have walked away right there and bought a skateboard, but they allowed me to post date checks to pay for it.

Exactly 14 days later, while driving home from work on another hot summer day, I found myself stuck in traffic due to construction. A million cars had to squeeze into one lane to get through, and I was right in the middle of the madness. My car did the unthinkable, the engine began to roar very loudly, my temperature gage casually moved to the hot letter H, and smoke seeped from my front hood like a chimney on the coldest day in winter. I could not go left, right, back, or fourth because I was stuck. I began to get very nervous, and started to panic again. I swear I knew my car was going to explode with me in it and I have not renewed my Will and testament for my kids yet. Ten minutes later I was finally able to cross the street and park at the gas station. Dressed in four inch heels, a skirt, and blouse I pop the hood and antifreeze is dripping everywhere. Smoke hit my face the way the dishwasher does when I interrupt during the drying cycle. What was I to do now? I am out of tears and out of patience, so I stood in the shade using my navigator on my cell phone, and I called the nearest dealership that would help me buy a new car.

Buying a new car took all my savings because I was not expecting to pay another $1,200 for a down payment along with all my current bills. I left my plastic curse of a car at the dealership and told the people that sold it to me they can have it back. I finally washed my hands of the evil, and now have reliable transportation to drive around town. Two months later I forgot all about the post dated checks I wrote for a car that never was fixed in the first place. The dealership had the audacity to continue processing my checks as if they actually ever fixed my car. This is why my bank account is negative, and this is why I am on my couch holding my cell phone with tears staining every crevice of my face. I feel vulnerable and weak, the only thing I can do is breath. Being a single mother with two children does not leave me any room to breath, but I have to breathe anyways. I always have to be strong, figure out a way to make it through the next week, and keep living life the best I can. I have to tell myself money comes and goes, and if I keep positive it will come back to me again one way or another.